Call Now, Because We Can’t Do This All Day
BY DAVID S. LEWIS
We’ve heard and read a lot lately about dangerous wildlife in the Rocky Mountain West (see page 16), and so here’s an idea whose time has come.
Let’s say you’re hiking in the woods, or hunting. It’s a beautiful fall day, the scent of lodgepole pines and fallen leaves fills the air, sunlight dapples the path before you, but as you become transfixed in the serenity of nature’s splendor the unexpected happens. A ferocious predator crosses your path, or charges, upwind, so that your bear spray is useless, unless you enjoy the painful sensation in your own eyes—and if the predator you happen upon that day is a mountain lion, well, somehow you’re supposed to beat it off with a stick (good luck, hope you can find one) or raise your arms in the air and make yourself look really big and intimidating so the predator thinks you’re something you’re not (when in reality you’re just a petri-fied little human).
You could, of course, shoot, if you are armed, but ever try to nail a charging lion with a rifle, or take down an extremely fast grizzly bear while you’re, well, wetting your pants? Easier said than done, and what if, as likely, you’re just an unarmed fun-loving tree hugger hiking in the back country without a care in the world, until this predator thing happens.
As they say, they can put a man on the moon, but they can’t invent something to ward off man-eating predators. All that, though, is about to change. Just listen.
What if (and I say this in all deliriousness) a device existed that scares the heck out of wild animals, one that creates such an instan-taneous and overwhelming sensation of fright that the creature turns tail, does a one-eighty, and even goes back and tells his friends about it so they stay away too. I tell you, my friends, that such a device may soon become available to you and yours, and here’s how it works.
Back to that beautiful fall day. You’re on the trail, in the wilderness, and bam, Mr. or Mrs. Grizzly comes charging and snorting like a rhino on steroids, or a lion bears its terrifying fangs and there’s just ten yards of earth between you and the worst day you’re going to have in your entire life.
Boy Scout that you are, though, you’ve entered this creature’s habi-tat prepared. You have the device, the secret weapon that will save you from becoming just another entrée on a predator’s menu. You simply reach for your belt and pull the cord, like a rip cord, and a huge monster inflates like a driver’s side air bag, only one that’s five times the size of anything in the woods, and with outstretched ferocious arms and claws, its neck, snout and fangs pitched forward in attack mode, and accompanied by a bombastic roaring sound owing to the MP3 device and small but powerful Bose speakers attached to the base of this marvelous inflatable device.
Whose wetting their pants now?
Such a device, my friends, would be so unexpected, so out of the ordinary, and would so signal itself as not prey, not to be messed with, that you, an otherwise hapless nature lover, would escape unharmed and live to hike, hunt, fish, or tree hug another day. The key, though, is in the device’s inflated enormity and the quickness with which it inflates, like an air bag in your car, along with striking colors and life-like fangs, and the design we envision would be of the Grizzly Bear itself, hence the name for the device we have in mind—the Bear Crow™. Yet such a product could be offered in any number of models and sizes (small, medium, and large) and the inflatable monster could take the shape, for example, of a giant gorilla, the King Kong model, and our top of the line Bear Crow™ might inflate as a life-size facsimile of the most feared and ferocious predator of all time, the T-rex—not the 70s rock band of Bang-a-Gong fame, because they’re not scary at all, but a facsimile of a real T-rex, the giant lizard king of the late Cretaceous period (not Jurassic, Spielberg got it wrong) that snacked on grizzly bears the way we humans eat hot wings. And, come to think of it, the audio for this model could include Bang a Gong, the song, at high volume, along with a tremendously horrible roaring sound (and perhaps a hubcap diamond star halo), all of which, you have to admit, would be very confusing to a bear. And due to the large number of Japanese tourists visiting Grizzly country annually, another version targeted to that market could be the Godzilla (so they could avoid becoming sushi—which suggests the possibility of a Wasabi-based bear repellent, but we’ll have to get into that later).
The introductory flagship model and trademark, though, would be the Bear Crow™, fashioned from thin light-weight material that assumes the size and weight (uninflated) of backpacking parapher-nalia. And the small, medium and large size inflatables—counter measures, if you will—would be offered to the public at corresponding prices and features according to a hiker’s desired risk level (like health insurance, only with consumer driven choices and pricing). Such a product would be insurance indeed, and a sure deterrent designed to ward off the big bad beasts of the forest.
This product will not be available in stores, only through Cable TV offers by that Vince guy who sells Shammwow and tells viewers to call now because he can’t do this all day. And those ordering the Bear Crow™ can be assured of a quality product because it will be made in Germany—and everybody knows the Germans make good stuff.
The Bear Crow™—there’s nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come.