AKA: Designated Partners Day
BY JUSTIN CASE
In May, we have Mothers Day, Fathers Day in June, and this month the 4th of July. These special days allow us to honor Mom, Dad, and country. We have many days set aside, in fact, to honor things in our society—Memorial Day for our fallen vets, a day that also kicks off the summer season, then Labor Day, which ironically signals the end of the summer vacation season, and Flag Day (June 14) commemorating the adoption of the flag in 1777.
We live in strange times though, and the following words are hard to say, but Mothers Day and Fathers Day may not fit the modern politically correct paradigm of radical inclusiveness. Don’t these holidays, after all, discriminate against certain members of society? With same sex marriage partners, for example, which day applies to whom? It’s confusing. And setting aside these non inclusive days may cause offense, especially with the one day coming on the heels of the other every year. Just when the couple thought they were done with the matter, along comes another gender-specific holiday. And what about house husbands—isn’t their predicament icky enough without having to be reminded they’re, well, house husbands? Couples without kids, what’s more, should be included, so that inclusiveness can be extended to all.
And so, after a great deal of thought and soul searching, here’s a non offensive, compassionate and inclusive solution to these annual expressions of what some may see as intolerance. And that would be Spouse Day.
On Spouse Day, all couples will be honored equally and simultaneously, regardless of gender, lifestyle choices, or confusion as to their roles in life. The model followed will be that of Presidents Day—where our two greatest presidents, Washington and Lincoln, two of the most courageous leaders of all time, who once had their birthdays in February set aside as holidays, were then basically throw under the bus. Recognition of these two great men was combined with all other presidents on Presidents Day, no matter how inconsequential or corrupt. And so Millard Fillmore and Richard Nixon stand equally with George Washington and Abraham Lincoln on that day, the annual date of which no one recalls because it must fall on a Monday, a holiday most of us recognize only when we visit a bank or post office and find it closed. It’s our special way of honoring Washington and Lincoln, along with Fillmore and Nixon, and let’s not forget Rutherford B. Hayes.
On Spouse Day, though, everyone will know it’s coming because it will honor couples everywhere, generating the kind of excitement kids once felt at Christmas time. Yet Spouse Day will have to be on a Monday too, as a paid federal holiday, giving certain members of our society a three-day weekend because paying people not to work has become an honored tradition in this great land of ours.
Even Spouse Day though, as a concept, may not be as inclusive as it should. The word Spouse, after all, denotes marriage, and just as we don’t want to exclude certain people with a Mothers Day or Fathers Day, we don’t want to disenfranchise non married couples.
After a public comment period, the results of which we will disregard (as is the practice with public comment periods), we can create Designated Partners Day, a more inclusive and appropriate alternative, and a wonderful expression of tolerance we can self-righteously foist upon Montana and the nation. The word designated will be used so that any two people can qualify for federal status as couples by designating themselves as such on a 10 page form they can drop off at the Post Office (on a day it’s open, which is to say, not Designated Partners Day).
Feeling pretty good about this now? We’re getting so inclusive, and all the bugs seemed to be worked out—oops, except one, and it’s a doozey. What about all the single people in the world who don’t have significant others? How are they going to feel on Designated Partners Day (All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?)? So we’re left with only one solution, and that’s to have a Non Designated Peoples’ Day, a day for everyone, everywhere, called Peoples Day for short (has a comforting Maoist ring to it). On Peoples Day, the greatest expression ever of inclusiveness, tolerance, and equality, one that shows what a progressive society we are (in a token sort of way), all human beings in America will have their own day of recognition (why limit such a thing, after all, to moms and dads?).
On Peoples Day, uncomfortable notions of gender specificity will be erased. Intolerance will have been roundly defeated and absolute equality achieved (on a five-year Soviet-style plan). More importantly, banks and postal workers will have yet another paid three-day weekend.
These are great times we live in.
We may, though, already have a people’s day, one already on the books that celebrates something hard fought and real, for all Americans, no matter one’s race or creed.
Happy 4th of July, also known as Independence Day. Now that’s a people’s holiday, the date of which you can never forget. Yes, it sometimes falls on a Monday, but only by accident.