You’d Better Be Sitting Down for This One
With Apple’s stock in the hopper, and Steve Jobs (inventor of so many fantastic Apple gadgets) no longer with us, it seems his successor, Tim Cook, has taken up the challenge of following in the tradition of brilliant innova-tion that has come to be associated with the on-again off-again largest company in the world.
The whisper heard on the street, you see, is that Apple will soon unveil a new product, transcending its own paradigm again, as it has in the past, first beyond computers like the iMac to the iPod, then to the wildly popular iPhone, and the iPad, the fascination for which have captured imaginations and market share worldwide.
Trouble is, Samsung’s Android phone, and all those tablets flooding the market competing with the iPad, have caused the company’s prospects to sag, along with its stock price. To Apple, though, this is déjà vue all over again, and so their course of action is no surprise—introduce a new mind-blowing gadget that will become the rage everywhere the moment it’s unveiled, opening new markets to new customers and driving up Apple’s share price.
Easier said than done, of course, but regardless, get ready to buy the rumor and sell the news. It’s coming, the newest Apple marvel.
It’s the Apple iPot.
Imagine how this invention, like the PC and the iPhone, will revolutionize lifestyles, the way we live. No more time wasted while attending to nature’s business, because with the iPot SmartJohn, you can attend to real business simultaneously, accessing your entire Apple ecosystem. Not only can you flush from the Bluetooth enabled handset that slides neatly into a pocket on the iPot’s virtual porcelain tank, you can text, chat, email, listen to iTunes, and take the day’s news sitting down as you start your busy day—or check the weather via those highway webcams on snowy mornings, get rid of all that pesky spam by clicking the virtual flush command (not to be confused with the actual flush command (a different icon), or get a quick stock quote so you can deal with risk management and waste management in one sitting.
The iPot comes bundled with several apps sure to attract buyers. One starts your car, another monitors peristalsis, and another regularity. Need both hands free? No problem. With the iPot’s optional side mounted screen that flips front and center, you can be online scheduling official functions while at the same time attending to biological functions. The touch screen can be activated with your nose, you see, as the screen appears before you, which can also be used as a virtual mirror for grooming, eyebrow plucking and shaving, or for good old fashioned self-assess-ment and introspection (when you have nothing better to do, except, well, you know).
The product is a winner, analysts say, sure to give Apple stock a boost. Price targets range up to $700 per share. With the stock now in the tank at $442, only a fool would pass up this buying opportunity.
Product launch date: 04-01-13.